The Time Travelling Vampire Harry Styles Fan Fiction Generator by Gerard McKeown

Bored in double period maths, 15 year-old Jane Smith, was passing the time day-dreaming about her favourite pop group One Direction. Jane liked all the members of One Direction (even Zayn who had abandoned the boys), but as their leader, Harry Styles was her favourite. A friend of Jane’s, Mandy Jones, wrote One Direction fan fiction. Mandy’s favourite was also Harry, so, in her stories, she always ended up passionately snogging him. Jane once asked Mandy if she could snog Harry in a story. Mandy refused. She let Jane be snogged by Liam and Louis, which was great, but Harry not only snogged Mandy, he chose her over Jane, saying no woman could match the beauty and intelligence of Mandy Jones, and no other woman stood a chance with him. This hurt Jane so badly. She congratulated Mandy on her story and ran to the school sick bay for a good cry. Jane hadn’t spoken to Mandy since.

‘Jane, can you repeat what I’ve just said?’ Mrs. Arbuthnot asked.

‘No miss,’ Jane said looking at her desk. Someone had written on it – Fuck school, studying is for fruits. Jane felt a snigger coming on. She had to hold her breath so she wouldn’t laugh.

‘What’s funny?’ Mrs. Arbuthnot said. ‘Stay behind after class.’

Double Maths dragged on. Then Jane missed the start of lunch because she had to listen to that bitch Mrs. Arbuthnot tell her off. Mrs. Arbuthnot had never wanted to snog a pop star like Harry Styles, Jane bet. Jane was late getting to the school canteen and had to eat cold chips while sitting on her own. With no one to talk to, Jane messed around with her smartphone, looking on the Google Play store for One Direction apps. She had most of them already – the One Direction computer game (which was crap!) the One Direction selfie taker (which fooled no one!) and the One Direction lyrics bank (which that bitch Mandy said no true fan should need!)

At the bottom of the list Jane spotted an app she’d never heard off – The Time Travelling Vampire Harry Styles Fan Fiction Generator. What was this? Harry wasn’t a vampire, and he couldn’t time travel. She nearly skipped past it, until she realised she could use it to write better fan fiction than Mandy. After reading the description she found that each story treated Harry as a time traveller so that he could have adventures in any period of history (or even the future!) and as a Vampire so he could be a super powered immortal! (Also vampires are extra sexy!). The app ran through Google and allowed Jane to input various locations, periods in history, fictional characters and universes. Harry could interact with any part of time and space. What was even better was that the app was free.

Once Jane had downloaded it, she hurried to the nurse’s office to fake sickness and ask if she could go home – no way was she sitting through double physics with something as cool as this on her phone! After telling the nurse she’d vomited (never fails) Jane was sent home. Her parents would be at work – Jane would have the afternoon (and Harry Styles!) all to herself!

*

Letting herself into the house, Jane quickly changed out of her school uniform, put the kettle on, and settled down in a comfy chair with her smartphone. The interface of The Time Travelling Vampire Harry Styles Fan Fiction Generator was a bit cheesy looking. The top half of the screen was a picture of Harry looking his hottest, with lipstick kisses pasted over it, the bottom half was a yellow block where you could input details you wanted included in the story. Since Jane had recently finished reading the Harry Potter books, she picked Professor Snape – her favourite character, to see how he would get along with Harry Styles. The app showed a picture of a One Direction clock and said …LOADING… Jane ran to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and get some biscuits before settling down to read her amazing piece of Harry Styles fan fiction!

One day Harry Styles came across Professor Snape crying in the wizard pub The Leaky Cauldron. Snape was upset because he’d played a part in the murder of his childhood sweetheart Lily Potter. Harry told Snape not to worry. He would go back in time and save Lily for Snape. Snape said not to bother as she was married to his love rival James Potter. Harry flashed a winning smile and said not to worry – he’d see James Potter off with his massive wang.

Harry disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to return moments later with Lily Potter in tow. Professor Snape was overjoyed, rising from his seat to embrace his lost love Lily. Harry held up a hand to stop him.

‘Cool it Snape,’ he said. ‘She has chosen me over your spooky greaseball ways.’

‘But…but…you said…’ Snape stammered.

‘Let it go Snape,’ Harry said. ‘Or I’ll do to you what I did to James Potter and Lord Voldemort.’

‘Oh yeah?’ shouted Snape, whipping out his massive wand.

‘Yeah,’ said Harry, whipping out his massive wang.

Snape tried to unleash the Avada Kadavera death spell but Harry’s wang was too quick. He beat Snape into a bloody mess. Professor Snape pleaded with Harry for his life. Harry relented at the last minute, telling Snape he would spare him if he told him how to find Hermione Granger. Professor Snape had not yet encountered Hermione Granger as these events took place before the Harry Potter novels began. He squealed as Harry Styles delivered the death blow with his monster wang. Harry Styles took Lily Potter’s hand and the two of them disappeared in a puff of smoke. Harry Styles had taken Lily Potter to the future where they would find the lovely Hermione Granger, eighteen and ready to graduate from Hogwarts. There they would have a threesome.

Jane couldn’t believe it! Her parents would ground her if they knew she was reading stuff this hot! Her smartphone nearly flew out of her hands as she scrambled to load another story. This time Jane would be more adventurous and include someone really weird, like ex-Prime Minister David Cameron! Jane didn’t like David Cameron, because he’d had sex with a dead pig, but both of her parents had voted for him and wouldn’t hear a word said against him. Jane hoped that Harry Styles would shag his wife SamCam, who her mum tried to be like.

One day when David Cameron was still Prime Minister, he went out into the garden of 10 Downing Street to masturbate with a beer. He was feeling very stressed from doing all his important government work. When he put the tip of his wang into the neck of the bottle he became instantly aroused. He chugged away until he came in the beer. This would make for a tasty relaxing drink! But when he tried to pull his wang out of the bottle he found it was stuck.

‘Oh no!’ he wailed. ‘Now my friends Bojo and Gideon will laugh at me.’

He tugged furiously, but nothing would shift his wang from the bottle. Just then Harry Styles appeared from behind a tree.

‘I can help you David Cameron,’ he said. ‘As a thank you for the time you appeared in our charity video.’

‘My wang is stuck in this beer bottle!’ David Cameron screamed. ‘My wife SamCam will be home any minute! If she finds me like this our marriage is over!’

‘Don’t worry,’ Harry Styles said. ‘I will smash the bottle with my massive wang!’

Harry Styles whipped out his massive wang; David Cameron became fearful. For a moment he felt, what he imagined, those people in countries he had bombed felt.

‘Do it,’ he said, more from desperation than bravery.

Harry Styles swung his massive wang like the neck of a brontosaurus. The tiny bottle shattered into pieces. In his haste to please David Cameron, Harry Styles had swung his massive wang too ferociously and squashed David Cameron’s wang like the first dropped sausage of a summer barbeque.

David Cameron screamed as his destroyed wang dropped from his body.  Larry the Downing Street cat mistook it for a mouse and pounced, devouring the wang in one gulp before running off to hide.

‘You did this!’ David Cameron said to Harry Styles. ‘This will destroy my marriage and my status as the leader of the UK. I will have you killed.’

‘Not so fast,’ Harry Styles said, swinging his massive wang and crushing the rest of David Cameron’s body. Harry Styles had been whipped into a frenzy by David Cameron’s threats and didn’t stop until David Cameron was dead. Harry Styles had been swinging his cock about so much that he came all over David Cameron’s corpse, covering it from what had once been its head to what had once been its toes.

‘Oh fuck,’ Harry Styles said, calming down.

He heard SamCam call from the kitchen, ‘yoo-hoo David din-dins!’

‘Time to time travel,’ Harry Styles said coolly, zipping up his massive wang. He heard the back door of 10 Downing Street open, but then he was gone.

Jane had never realised how hot she would find Harry Styles beating people to death with his cock, but now it was all she wanted to think about. Her parents would super ground her for this story, because let’s face it, it was a bit weird, but Jane loved that! She wanted to put her parents’ names into the generator – that would teach them for grounding her! She could put Mandy Jones’ name in. That would teach her! Wait! That was it. Jane would put her name in. This would be the story she’d take to school. Harry Styles would snog her and beat Mandy Jones to death with his massive wang! Jane laughed as she changed Mandy Jones’ name to Man Jones. Man Jones would get flattened by Harry Styles. Jane and him would travel through time together and snog. Maybe he’d even make her into a vampire and they’d be like a cooler Bella and Edward!

When Jane tapped the button to generate the story, instead of the clock and the …LOADING… message, a different screen came up. A picture of Harry Styles laughing his head off and the words

…Oh dear. You’ve added yourself to

The Time Travelling Vampire Harry Styles Fan Fiction Generator…

Jane didn’t know what was going to happen. For a second she thought she might get sucked into her phone like in a cool movie. A crash came from the front of her house. She ran to the kitchen to see a massive pink cock swing away from the French doors, then swing back smashing the windows and cracking the wall. Broken crockery and shards of glass tumbled through the air towards Jane. Was Harry Styles smashing down her house with his massive wang? She ran outside to see Harry, his trousers down and his spotty arse standing in the street laughing his head off as he demolished the house her parents had worked so hard to afford.

‘Why are you doing this Harry?’ she shouted. ‘I love you.’

‘Because I don’t love you,’ he said, turning on her. ‘Don’t try to run. You will not escape my massive wang.’

Harry brought his huge penis crashing down onto Jane Smith’s head, splattering her brains everywhere. The goo and blood mixed with her tears, and gave Harry Styles cock a nice tingle, like when he poured salt on it, anytime he was alone and scared. Jane Smith’s body was now as flat as her chest had been. In the last split seconds of her life, while she waited in the shadow of Harry Styles’ penis for the blow to destroy her, it occurred to Jane that her parents would never find out about The Time Travelling Vampire Harry Styles Fan Fiction Generator; they would never come home to find her squashed to paste and their house demolished. Nor would Harry Styles ever be brought to justice for what he had done. Because Jane realised she was a fictional character, in a short story, written by someone who liked to mock fan fiction, who looked down on people who dreamt of snogging Harry Styles and his ilk. Jane didn’t know who the writer of the story was, but she felt that all the things she lacked in life – boyfriends, best friends, popularity, had all been withheld from her by him, she was sure it was a him, and if she’d realised it earlier she might have asked him for those things, or at the very least asked his name. She would have put it into the generator, and it would have been his head Harry Styles’ cock would now be crushing. Jane was deluded that she had some degree of autonomy. She tried to think of a nice thought to comfort her at the end, but the writer of this story wouldn’t give her one. Nor would Harry Styles. (Wink wink).

Gerard McKeown‘s work has appeared in 3:AM, Litro and The Honest Ulsterman, among others. His story Dunvale was highly commended in The Moth’s 2015 Short Story Competition. He was a runner-up in the Over The Edge – New Writer of the Year 2016 award. More of his work can be viewed at www.gerardmckeown.co.uk

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