Magic Mike’s Magic Tour of Nottingham – #1

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Magic Mike’s Magic Tour of Nottingham

 #1 – The City Centre

 So it meks sense to start off in the citeh centre an wok ya way aht dunt it. I’ve gorra admit though, I dint think it’d be like it wor. I ant bin dahn fer years nahr coz it were full o wankers years ago, but kay serah, I’ve got this new gig at and job so I fought I’d do it dint I. Ere’s the low dahn.

Me n me mate Trough thought, ‘it’s the fuckin citeh centre, we’ve gorra gu aht on lash n get ammered.’ That’s wot ya do in a citeh int it.

We gor on tram dahn there and I made Trough jump off wi meh wen we saw the sign fer ‘Spanky van Dykes’. Fuckin ell I fought, we’ve it jackpot ere like! So we walked in ta place and all I saw wa curly fucking moustaches and ode clothes. It looked like I’d gone back in time to a fuckin nerdy professors shit prateh. So I walked ov-er to the gal behind the bar to sort mah problem aht.

I ses to the gal behind the bar, I ses, ‘I say duck! Where’s the fuckin rat chewers ge-in eachother the good un.’

She looked a bit confused. ‘What?’ Was it confused or disgusted Trough? I don’t fuckin know.

After I gen her the low dahn on it bein call Spank the Dyke or worrever she got some big cunt to chuck us aht. Poor Trough, the little gerbil man fucker, e were really upset abaht the way they handled us. Ad to gi im some time to sit an wok is life aht before e realised that this want just a day aht, it wor a mission.

So we walked down the ill like, nd then up the uver ill inta ockley or summet. Alf way up the ill we found a place called Pitt and Pendulum just when me 3 bombs o fett started kickin in. The place were mad. I started talkin to all o grebbs like, cos I quite fancy me sen to be a greb, but they proper fobbed me off. I want ayin it. Three bombs to the wind, I fuckin cracked em. I jus remember a whirl o blood an beer an that before I were pulled outside. Trough rang me up then and sed he wo lookin fer the bog that wor in a bookshelf and he thinks he’s warnd up in a secret layer. A black scientist wo there he toad me, wi a myriad o potions that e wanted to spray on im. I sed, ya can’t tek yer fet ya gret nob-jockey, ger aht-side they not let meh back in ta find ya anyroad. When he gor aht he said the scientist shown im the door in the end, he musta felt sorry for the ugly wide-eyed little twat-bag.

We carried on walkin dahn road. There were a boiler shop that were open well late. Trough wanted ta gu in an e knew that I’m a proper big boiler man ma-sen, bein a scrap metal merchant. I ses to im, it’s not the time Trough! We need ta find the idden gems of Nottz drinkin, not jus fart abaht wi boilers, we’d be in there all nite, you know as well as ah do. So in end I dragged im away.

We walked past ode angel, but we’d ad enough o grebs by that time. We jus wanted somewhere igh brah, somewhere wher we cud get a bit o class in a world gone barmy. Good proper fun.

We asked some locals. I whistled em over. ‘Here babbi, I say, where can we gu for a gud drink rahnd ere?’

She offered us loadsa different places, but if I’m honest, they all sounded a bit gay. Like a church ina pub. Wats thar all abaht! So we jus wandered on n that. A bit dahn artened realleh.

Trough pointed aht that he saw Sleaford Mods on the other side o the road. I dint really care till e told me e eard em spouting some garbage abaht GG Allin. I mean ya cahnt fuckin beat Jesus Christ Allin. So we took a shit an ran after em, throwin it at em. It wor right funneh and got our spirits back up a bit. We knew we cud mek the night appen nah.

Then we fahnd it! The oly grail! The best nite o yer life. The Chambers were packed aht man, I mean ta the rafters. Fuckin overflowing. The beer wor crisp, the coke wor abundant and the karaoke were buzzin all noite. By closing time me n Trough were cryin ta candle in the wind. Wat more da ya want from a gaff.

That were us done.

Next time we’re aht dahn Ucknall I think, so watch this space like.

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